Hey you! Listen up!

Sometimes big problems have simple solutions.

Guess how often we hear the following complaint in counseling: “S/he never listens when I’m talking.” Is it:

• 5 percent
• 25 percent
• 90 percent

The correct answer? Roughly 90 percent. And in heterosexual couples, of that 90 percent, about four in five are wives* complaining that their husbands tune them out.

Fortunately, this is our easiest therapeutic fix.

Why men?
There are several factors at work in those “men-don’t-listen” statistics: The three most significant are:
1. Men have significantly more difficulty with hearing (see below),
2. About twice as many men as women have ADHD diagnoses (citations 1, 2), and
3. When accused of not listening, most people claim, incorrectly, to have the superpower of multi-tasking (3).

(Before female readers throw those statistics in their partners’ faces, though, be aware of a fourth fact: Men tend to complain less [4, 5]. Perhaps women are as bad as men at listening, but men just live with it.)

The Big Easy Fix

But what’s with men and hearing? Structurally, men and women have indistinguishable auditory equipment. But men lose their hearing earlier, and at dramatically higher rates than women (6). The theory is that men tend to engage in professions and activities that damage hearing more frequently than women do. Think employment in construction work, factories, and the military; hunting; pyrotechnics; or working with power tools, fans, and lawn mowers. And because rough activities tend to damage bodies, they may also make heavier use of ototoxic medications such as aspirin and NSAIDs that may damage hearing.

The problem is compounded by the fact that men tend to see doctors less often than women (7, 8), and so may be less likely to have their mild hearing loss diagnosed. At lower levels, people tend not to notice hearing loss, even while unconsciously compensating by developing skills such as lip reading or attending to body language and other cues. That skill will come in handy when we explain, below, how to resolve the “you’re not listening to me” problem.

Hear ye, hear ye

But I’m Multi-Tasking
People who jump from task to task – a behavior that is commonly linked to ADHD, but that is also found in neurotypical people who overschedule or who can’t choose between numerous attractive activities – often imagine that they possess the “special” skill of multitasking. Research says they’re wrong.

There’s a vast body of research demonstrating that – as much as we wish it were otherwise, multi-tasking isn’t a thing. Worse, that it’s exactly the opposite of real, and isn’t something you’ll want to boast about. Multitasking is associated with lower grey-matter density in a particular brain region (anterior cingulate cortex, the region responsible for empathy as well as cognitive and emotional control) (9).

People who try to multitask are demonstrably less productive than those who do a single thing at a time. When they try to switch between streams of information, they fail to “pay attention, recall information, or switch from one job to another as well as those who complete one task at a time” (10).

Oh, and that “special” skill the multi-tasker has of being able to repeat back the speaker’s last sentence to prove they were listening? Cute. But it’s hearing, not listening. It’s the built-in three-second rewind most humans possess which enables us to echo speech in order to process it. But echoing isn’t attending, and repeating isn’t processing. The research demonstrates that individuals can perform low-load social tasks while multitasking – such as echoing back the last sentence spoken – but cannot perform high-load social tasks, such as seeing another person’s perspective (3), which is the essence of listening.

Why It’s Hard to Hear You
When you went through the trouble of dating and marrying your spouse, you probably did so hoping that the two of you would spend your lives as a team, working, playing, and talking, and creating a life together. Obviously, communicating heart-to-heart is an inextricable part of being teammates. The disappointment of having a partner who doesn’t prioritize listening is heart-breaking.

But there’s good news: Your partner is genuinely just as interested in being a teammate as you are. But s/he has a different interest than you have in switching focus. As you look back over your relationship, certainly there were times when your partner was completely focused on a conversation with you. Hold on to that memory for a moment. If your partner has the capacity to listen, then all you need to repair your heartbreak is a tool to get heard.

Notice this: Your partner is focused. Your job, if you need to be heard, is to get the focus on you. But demanding attention from somebody focused on a task (including tasks such as watching a game or thinking while staring out a window) is as likely to get a good reception as tossing cold water on a sleeping person.

When you interrupt a focused person – and there are  perfectly good reasons for doing so – there’s a trick that removes the “ice” from the cold water: Follow the script.

The Script
To recap, here are our premises:
1. One spouse may have hearing loss.
2. Multitasking isn’t real.
3. One spouse may be focused on distractions.
4. It’s not only physical objects that cause distraction; staring out a window is focused attention.

A bit of body language

Because you’ve slogged through this far, we now offer a specific script for resolving the issue of frustration over a mismatch between spouses over listening. It looks like this:

1. Position. Get in front of your spouse. Talking to the back of a person’s head, or worse, shouting from another room, doesn’t facilitate communication – particularly when your spouse has any degree of hearing loss.

2. Ask. “Is this a bad time?” “Could I get your attention?” “Got a moment?”

3. Wait. Courteous listeners will make the universal “one minute” sign (a raised index finger) while they’re switching focus.

4. Talk. When your spouse has hit the pause button, turned the phone over, finished that paragraph, or closed the book, it’s time to introduce your subject.

It’s that simple. Share the script with your spouse, and watch your communication frustration drift away.

*Wives, girlfriends, fiancées, partneress…we’re using the term in a gender-specific, marriage-status-neutral sense.

Citations

(1) Ramtekkar, U. P., Reiersen, A. M., Todorov,  A. A., & Todd, R. D. (2010). Sex and age differences in Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms and diagnoses: Implications for DSM-V and ICD-11. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry, 49(3). 217–28.e1-3.

(2) Shire. (2017). The prevalence of ADHD can vary with gender, with a higher prevalence reported in males. Epidemiology: Gender. Retrieved from http://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/gender/

(3) Mills, K. L., Dumontheil, I., Speekenbrink, M. & Blakemore, S. J. (2015). Multitasking during social interactions in adolescence and early adulthood. Royal Society Open Science. doi: 10.6084/m9.figshare.1098780. Retrieved from http://rsos.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/2/11/150117

(4) Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M., (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion, Family Process, 38(3), 293-301

(5) Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage & Family, 60(1), 5. doi: 10.2307/353438

(6) Hoffman, H.J., Dobie, R.A., Losonczy, K.G., Themann, C.L., & Flamme, G.A. (2016). Declining prevalence of hearing loss in US adults aged 20 to 69 years. JAMA Otolaryngology – Head & Neck Surgery Online. Retrieved from https://jamaneatwork.com/journals/jamaotolaryngology/article-abstract/2592954.

(7) Hunt, K., Ford, G., Harkins, L., & Wyke, S. (1999). Are women more ready to consult than men? Gender differences in general practitioner consultation for common chronic conditions. J Health Serv Res Policy, 4. 96–100

(8) McCormick, A., Fleming, D., & Charlton, J. (1995). Morbidity statistics from general practice. Fourth national study 1991–1992. OPCS Series MB5 no.3. London: HMSO.

(9) Loh, K. K. & Kanai, R. (2014). Higher media multi-tasking activity is associated with smaller gray-matter density in the anterior cingulate cortex. PLoS ONE 9(9): e106698. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0106698. Retrieved from http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0106698.

(10) Ophir, E., Nass, C., & Wagner, A. D. (2009). Cognitive control in media multitaskers. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 106(37). 15583-7. doi: 10.1073/pnas.0903620106.

🗨️You're reading Skripts, the magazine where we teach better communication in marriage, parenting, work, and family life. Dr. LauraMaery Gold provides communication coaching at the Skripts project (Skripts.org).

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