How to Stop Escalation

People who operate from principles have an easier time of staying calm in the face of provocation than people who don't yet have clearly enunciated principles. 

Here's an example of a principle-based skript. The two principles at play here are: 

1. I don't argue electronically.

2. I won't be shouted at.

In this exchange, the other party might -- or might not -- stay angry, but the assurance that a conversation will happen at a named time goes a long way toward calming the storm. 

How would you respond? Comment on our Facebook page! 

Principle-based skripts create boundaries.

Les scripts basés sur des principes créent des limites.

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Fear Wastes Time

 You are literally the scariest thing you can imagine. What else is there to fear? (FDR said it best: "There is nothing to fear but fear itself.")

Happy Halloween!

You're just a ghost, driving a skeleton draped in rotting meat to its death. Are other people's opinions really so scary?

Vous n'êtes qu'un fantôme, conduisant à sa mort un squelette drapé de viande pourrie. Les opinions des autres sont-elles vraiment si effrayantes ?

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Slow Down Arguments

Disagreement erupts into wars when people get triggered. Slowing down, buying time, is key to maintaining peace. 

What do you say that calms triggered people?

We welcome your shares on our Facebook page! 

How to Pause

Someone says something outrageous? Slow it down with: 

"Hmmm. Interesting. So what you're saying is..."

Comment mettre en pause

Quelqu'un dit quelque chose de scandaleux ? Ralentissez avec :

"Hmmm. Intéressant. Donc ce que tu dis, c'est..."

TheRelationship.Institute

Venting: It's just not healthy

Just venting? Despite popular belief, turns out it's not healthy. At all. The research says it reinforces and exaggerates one's negative beliefs.

And worst of all? It disconnects you from the people you're trying to communicate with. They shut down their rational brain and go into fight or flight.

Better strategy? Breathing so deeply that it activates the vagus nerve -- the one that regulates the parasympathetic nervous system and impacts everything...including immune response. It'll calm you down, help you think calmly and rationally, and quiet the impulse to raise your voice.

Who Comes First: Partner or Kids?

Ask a therapist — and mother of seven—how to prioritize

QUESTION: My girlfriend is upset that I put my kids before her. I’m doing the right thing, right?

Did you leave her in the cab? (Image credit: coastguard.dodlive.mil)

First, congratulations on being a stand-up parent. There aren’t enough of you in the world, so round of applause. But are you entirely right to put your kids first? Let me ask you a few questions, because the answer’s not as simple as you might think.

Pandemic politeness - How to say ‘back off’ without getting punched

There you are, walking Fido and staying in your own lane, when you hear “Oh, what a cute dog!” … and cringe. Because the next step in this dance is that a complete stranger walks over and pets your pooch.

Bad enough in normal times, but in pandemia, it’s potentially lethal.

Step away from the dog. 

(Image by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash)

Or an oblivious neighbor, a distant acquaintance, or a fellow shopper strikes up a conversation and stands much too close. The pizza delivery guy, waiting for a tip, licks his fingers before handing you a receipt. 

What to do?

The Words Your Upset Wife Needs to Hear

Not to be sexist, but…

My father is an inch shorter than my 6-foot 2-inch (188cm) mother. Despite the example of grandma and grandpa, though, amongst my siblings and our many children, nearly every opposite-sex attachment has involved taller males connecting with shorter females. My tall daughter shudders — literally — at the idea of dating average-height men.

Lesson? I’m not confident socialization is the most compelling explanation for gendered differences.

It’ll never work out. (Image credit: pxfuel.com)

Here’s my theory: There’s something fascinating and compelling about people who aren’t us. Perhaps that’s part of the reason most humans are drawn to people of the other sex: They’re mysterious, and mystery is interesting.

But here’s the thing about that mystery. While it’s interesting, it also leads to confusion and misunderstanding…and quite often, hurt feelings.

How to Stop Getting Sucked In

When Jessica* got online with me, she was nearly in tears. Her husband was furious with her, and she was ready to give in.

What should I do? 

(image credit: 

publicdomainvectors.org)

“What should I do?” she asked.

“He wants to buy more toys?” This wasn’t our first conversation about her spendthrift partner.

“Yep. Another set of golf clubs. Even though he already has a set.”

“And he wants to take the money from…?”

“From the money I’m saving to replace my tires. He says the tires aren’t that bad.”

“So, when you disagreed?” 

“At first, he was trying to be nice about it, but when I didn’t agree, he started shouting that I’m a selfish, controlling bitch.”

Are we having (dys)fun(ction) yet?

How well does your family function? Are you all quite fond of one another, or are one or more family members contemplating airing the family problems on an upcoming episode of Dr. Phil?

Bet you'd quit fighting if a bear suddenly showed up!
(Image credit: Flickr)

Here's a quick one-question test to determine whether your family is functional, or dysfunctional. Ready? Here it goes:

Where's the enemy?

Are members of your family causing

You’re Not Wrong. And Neither Is Your Partner

Here’s how to stop treating your marriage as a zero-sum game

Everybody gets one housekeeping pet peeve, and here’s mine: Stuff left in the sink. My husband’s pet peeve is: Stuff left on the counter. 

Just…no. (Image credit: StockSnap at pixabay.com)

OBVIOUSLY, I’m right. I cite as my authority: Sink Reflections, the organizational book that make Marie Kondo look like a rank amateur.* This is me: “Sinks are work areas, not storage bins. How do I fill the water pitcher when there are dishes in the sink? I’m just gonna set this stuff over here to the side and…”

His authority? “I just installed this counter. Don’t ruin good butcher block!”

Just Say Yes -- To Everything. Including Your Kids.

Why start on a down note? 

(Image credit: needpix.com)

The Black-Belt Communication series provides step-by-step tools and scripts for solving all of life’s communication problems. In this episode, we solve relationship negativity.

Have people stopped inviting you to events? Is nobody asking your opinion about anything? Do you call yourself a “realist”?* Have two or more people used any of the following words to describe you: cynical, no fun, downer, pessimistic, too busy, defeatist, never has time?

Hey, Negative Nancy and Problem Pete: We need to talk.