How to Stop Escalation

People who operate from principles have an easier time of staying calm in the face of provocation than people who don't yet have clearly enunciated principles. 

Here's an example of a principle-based skript. The two principles at play here are: 

1. I don't argue electronically.

2. I won't be shouted at.

In this exchange, the other party might -- or might not -- stay angry, but the assurance that a conversation will happen at a named time goes a long way toward calming the storm. 

How would you respond? Comment on our Facebook page! 

Principle-based skripts create boundaries.

Les scripts basés sur des principes créent des limites.

TheRelationship.Institute

Why Aggression is Illegal

Scaring people is a crime -- at least, when you cause them to believe you'll hurt them. Assault is aggressive behavior, and a crime in its own right. 

The case of Vetter v. Morgan is an interesting read, and worth understanding if you yourself have ever been the victim of road rage or bullying. Should bullies go to jail for instilling fear in their victims? Thoughts? Debate it on our Facebook page! 

Assault and Battery

Not the same things. Battery involves actual physical harm to another person; Assault means causing a person to fear imminent harm. 

Citation: Vetter v. Morgan, 913 P.2d 1200 (1995)

Aggression et Batterie

Pas les mêmes choses. La batterie implique un préjudice physique réel à une autre personne ; Agression signifie faire craindre à une personne un préjudice imminent.

Référence : Vetter c. Morgan, 913 P.2d 1200 (1995)

TheRelationship.Institute

Venting: It's just not healthy

Just venting? Despite popular belief, turns out it's not healthy. At all. The research says it reinforces and exaggerates one's negative beliefs.

And worst of all? It disconnects you from the people you're trying to communicate with. They shut down their rational brain and go into fight or flight.

Better strategy? Breathing so deeply that it activates the vagus nerve -- the one that regulates the parasympathetic nervous system and impacts everything...including immune response. It'll calm you down, help you think calmly and rationally, and quiet the impulse to raise your voice.

How to Stop Getting Sucked In

When Jessica* got online with me, she was nearly in tears. Her husband was furious with her, and she was ready to give in.

What should I do? 

(image credit: 

publicdomainvectors.org)

“What should I do?” she asked.

“He wants to buy more toys?” This wasn’t our first conversation about her spendthrift partner.

“Yep. Another set of golf clubs. Even though he already has a set.”

“And he wants to take the money from…?”

“From the money I’m saving to replace my tires. He says the tires aren’t that bad.”

“So, when you disagreed?” 

“At first, he was trying to be nice about it, but when I didn’t agree, he started shouting that I’m a selfish, controlling bitch.”

A Rash of Rashness

When we counsel clients in difficult relationships, one of the curious patterns we see is a tendency toward impulsivity. We've seen it so often, in fact, that we've begun to believe it may be the most malignant of all relationship behaviors. 

Impulsivity: The Root of Regret. 
Considered Decisions Bring Joy.

Impulsive people say and do hurtful things to the people they love, and tend to suffer problems at work, with law enforcement, and in completing projects. If you look back at your own regrets, you'll likely find that nearly all of them arose out of an impulsive act.

When people are able to master their impulsivity, wonderful things start to occur in their marriages: Escalation ends, hearing happens, defensiveness discontinues, and intimacy is initiated.

New research backs us up. A study out of the University of Georgia finds that among married couples, there is a significant correlation between high levels of impulsiveness, and low levels of marital satisfaction and commitment. Impulsivity is also correlated with high levels of verbal aggression.(1)  

Bottom line? Slowing down is a fast fix for many relationship problems. And it's a fairly easy correction: Just take a deep breath, think carefully before you speak, and watch intimacy grow! 

-----

(1) Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., & Miller, J. D. (2017). Trait Impulsivity and Newlyweds' Marital Trajectories. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(1), 133-144. doi:10.1521/pedi_2016_30_242