How to Win at Failure

 I love the term "growth opportunity." It motivates me to find lessons in, to learn from, difficult circumstances. 

Was there a time an apparent setback led to a better outcome for you? Share it on our Facebook page! 

"There is no such thing as failure. What other people label...failure, I have learned is just God’s way of pointing you in a new direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, 2007 Howard University commencement address

"L'échec n'existe pas. Ce que les autres appellent... l'échec, j'ai appris qu'il s'agit simplement de la façon dont Dieu vous oriente dans une nouvelle direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, discours d'ouverture de l'Université Howard en 2007

TheRelationship.Institute

Venting: It's just not healthy

Just venting? Despite popular belief, turns out it's not healthy. At all. The research says it reinforces and exaggerates one's negative beliefs.

And worst of all? It disconnects you from the people you're trying to communicate with. They shut down their rational brain and go into fight or flight.

Better strategy? Breathing so deeply that it activates the vagus nerve -- the one that regulates the parasympathetic nervous system and impacts everything...including immune response. It'll calm you down, help you think calmly and rationally, and quiet the impulse to raise your voice.

Pandemic politeness - How to say ‘back off’ without getting punched

There you are, walking Fido and staying in your own lane, when you hear “Oh, what a cute dog!” … and cringe. Because the next step in this dance is that a complete stranger walks over and pets your pooch.

Bad enough in normal times, but in pandemia, it’s potentially lethal.

Step away from the dog. 

(Image by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash)

Or an oblivious neighbor, a distant acquaintance, or a fellow shopper strikes up a conversation and stands much too close. The pizza delivery guy, waiting for a tip, licks his fingers before handing you a receipt. 

What to do?

How to Stop Getting Sucked In

When Jessica* got online with me, she was nearly in tears. Her husband was furious with her, and she was ready to give in.

What should I do? 

(image credit: 

publicdomainvectors.org)

“What should I do?” she asked.

“He wants to buy more toys?” This wasn’t our first conversation about her spendthrift partner.

“Yep. Another set of golf clubs. Even though he already has a set.”

“And he wants to take the money from…?”

“From the money I’m saving to replace my tires. He says the tires aren’t that bad.”

“So, when you disagreed?” 

“At first, he was trying to be nice about it, but when I didn’t agree, he started shouting that I’m a selfish, controlling bitch.”

The Fast Fix for Spinning Thoughts

When emotions overwhelm, don’t word vomit. List vomit.

I have an acquaintance who is married to the idea that she has a right — a right, I tell you — to unload on her partner whenever she’s upset.

Her fourth marriage is on the rocks.

What did shouting ever get you? (Image credit: frank mckenna on Unsplash)

I’ve shared with her the research(1) that says venting is a terrible coping strategy. (Incidentally, so are self-blame, denial, withdrawing, and using social support — ie, gossiping.) But she’s so angry, so often, that she never gets to the three effective coping strategies: positive reframing, acceptance, and humor.

Which Ugly Kind of Jealous Are You?

Consumed by the green-eyed monster? There’s a better option.

Until I landed in Europe, I lived just one town south of earth’s two richest humans. Gotta admit: It was sometimes a struggle to keep envy in check.(Hubby and I moved from our Seattle ’burb to a Paris ’burb last year. Now our neighbors down the road are only earth’s third-richest human, and earth’s richest woman. So much better.)

Of all the ways people differ from animals, this may be the most telling: We human folk can get really strong, dark, even obsessive feelings when we notice that other people have what we don’t. (Sure, animals steal one another’s food — I’m looking at you, crows — but they don’t spend months or years suffering, plotting, and gloating over it.)

Two Ideas Will Change Your World

Who knew language could be 

so surprising? (Photo credit: 

Josh Engroff, 2012)

A casual comment dropped at church blew my mind

One of the many wonderful things about living abroad is this: New language; new thoughts.

We now live in France, my hubby and I. And so the church services we attend are conducted in French. 

My nascent French requires me to mechanically translate each word of the service. I don’t catch everything. But I do seem to learn at least one useful thing from any given homily. F’instance: