How to Solve a Problem

This problem-solving strategy is named after the idea that, given enough time, a room full of monkeys with typewriters would write all the books in the British Museum. 

The monkeys-and-typewriters analogy gets a lot of play, doesn't it? Type your response on our Facebook page! 

British Museum Algorithm

When trying to solve a problem, this technique involves trying one solution after another, starting with solutions that have the fewest steps.

Algorithme du British Museum

Lorsque vous essayez de résoudre un problème, cette technique consiste à essayer une solution après l'autre, en commençant par les solutions qui comportent le moins d'étapes.

TheRelationship.Institute

How to Win at Failure

 I love the term "growth opportunity." It motivates me to find lessons in, to learn from, difficult circumstances. 

Was there a time an apparent setback led to a better outcome for you? Share it on our Facebook page! 

"There is no such thing as failure. What other people label...failure, I have learned is just God’s way of pointing you in a new direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, 2007 Howard University commencement address

"L'échec n'existe pas. Ce que les autres appellent... l'échec, j'ai appris qu'il s'agit simplement de la façon dont Dieu vous oriente dans une nouvelle direction."

--Oprah Winfrey, discours d'ouverture de l'Université Howard en 2007

TheRelationship.Institute

Venting: It's just not healthy

Just venting? Despite popular belief, turns out it's not healthy. At all. The research says it reinforces and exaggerates one's negative beliefs.

And worst of all? It disconnects you from the people you're trying to communicate with. They shut down their rational brain and go into fight or flight.

Better strategy? Breathing so deeply that it activates the vagus nerve -- the one that regulates the parasympathetic nervous system and impacts everything...including immune response. It'll calm you down, help you think calmly and rationally, and quiet the impulse to raise your voice.

Who Comes First: Partner or Kids?

Ask a therapist — and mother of seven—how to prioritize

QUESTION: My girlfriend is upset that I put my kids before her. I’m doing the right thing, right?

Did you leave her in the cab? (Image credit: coastguard.dodlive.mil)

First, congratulations on being a stand-up parent. There aren’t enough of you in the world, so round of applause. But are you entirely right to put your kids first? Let me ask you a few questions, because the answer’s not as simple as you might think.

Pandemic politeness - How to say ‘back off’ without getting punched

There you are, walking Fido and staying in your own lane, when you hear “Oh, what a cute dog!” … and cringe. Because the next step in this dance is that a complete stranger walks over and pets your pooch.

Bad enough in normal times, but in pandemia, it’s potentially lethal.

Step away from the dog. 

(Image by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash)

Or an oblivious neighbor, a distant acquaintance, or a fellow shopper strikes up a conversation and stands much too close. The pizza delivery guy, waiting for a tip, licks his fingers before handing you a receipt. 

What to do?

The Words Your Upset Wife Needs to Hear

Not to be sexist, but…

My father is an inch shorter than my 6-foot 2-inch (188cm) mother. Despite the example of grandma and grandpa, though, amongst my siblings and our many children, nearly every opposite-sex attachment has involved taller males connecting with shorter females. My tall daughter shudders — literally — at the idea of dating average-height men.

Lesson? I’m not confident socialization is the most compelling explanation for gendered differences.

It’ll never work out. (Image credit: pxfuel.com)

Here’s my theory: There’s something fascinating and compelling about people who aren’t us. Perhaps that’s part of the reason most humans are drawn to people of the other sex: They’re mysterious, and mystery is interesting.

But here’s the thing about that mystery. While it’s interesting, it also leads to confusion and misunderstanding…and quite often, hurt feelings.

Just Say Yes -- To Everything. Including Your Kids.

Why start on a down note? 

(Image credit: needpix.com)

The Black-Belt Communication series provides step-by-step tools and scripts for solving all of life’s communication problems. In this episode, we solve relationship negativity.

Have people stopped inviting you to events? Is nobody asking your opinion about anything? Do you call yourself a “realist”?* Have two or more people used any of the following words to describe you: cynical, no fun, downer, pessimistic, too busy, defeatist, never has time?

Hey, Negative Nancy and Problem Pete: We need to talk.

Two Ideas Will Change Your World

Who knew language could be 

so surprising? (Photo credit: 

Josh Engroff, 2012)

A casual comment dropped at church blew my mind

One of the many wonderful things about living abroad is this: New language; new thoughts.

We now live in France, my hubby and I. And so the church services we attend are conducted in French. 

My nascent French requires me to mechanically translate each word of the service. I don’t catch everything. But I do seem to learn at least one useful thing from any given homily. F’instance:

The Beauty of the Four-Sentence Cover Story

How to hold on to your privacy without severing relationships

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I have an uncomfortable secret, and no, I don’t want to tell you about it. But we’re friends, and aren’t friends supposed to tell each other everything?

Or worse, we’re not friends, but you’re nosy, we work together, and if I don’t spill, you’ll bitch-shame me to our colleagues and persuade them I’m not a team player.

What to do?

Watch Out for Human Projectors

Is it true, or are you projecting?

For good or bad, humans tend to believe other people are like themselves. If they say most people cheat or lie, they’re projecting. If they say most people are honest or generous, it’s likely they, themselves, have those qualities.

If you generally believe the best of people, be cautious about surrounding yourself with people who reflexively think the worst of others.

* * *

Click here to be notified when our book, The AiKi of Self-Awareness: How a Therapist Uses Emotional Intelligence to Heal Marriages, is available.

Research source:
Wood, D., Harms, P., & Vazire, S. (2010). Perceiver effects as projective tests: What your perceptions of others say about you. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 174-190. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0019390

Optimism: The Happy Fix for Stress and PTSD

Happy and you know it? Congrats! New research out this month demonstrates, once again, the power of optimism to make life better. One new study shows that after traumatic events, optimistic people are better equipped to cope with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, and -- unlike their pessimistic peers -- don't develop avoidance, numbing, or "dysphoric arousal." (1)

Pronoia: The Optimistic Belief that People 
Like You, and Conspire in Your Favor

Another new study finds when performing stressful tasks, optimistic people are better at perseverance, and also have lower levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. (Lower levels of cortisol are correlated with happiness and positive affect.) (2)

So jump on the positivity bandwagon to stay happy and healthy!

(1) Birkeland, M. S., Blix, I., Solberg, Ø., & Heir, T. (2017). Does optimism act as a buffer against posttraumatic stress over time? A longitudinal study of the protective role of optimism after the 2011 Oslo bombing. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, And Policy, 9(2), 207-213. doi:10.1037/tra0000188

(2) Binsch, O., Van Wietmarschen, H., & Buick, F. (2017). Relationships between cortisol, optimism, and perseverance measured in two military settings. Military Psychology, 29(2), 99-116. doi:10.1037/mil0000146